lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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