My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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