SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
