I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize