My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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