can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
