wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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