I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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