Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize