Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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