ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize