she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm at about main and main street
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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