As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
