Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
