i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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