also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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