so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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