Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
