I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize