I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
