My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
