i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
