the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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