Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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