I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
