i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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