Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
