just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
