My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize