Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
