I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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