Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize