Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
