hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
