I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
