Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
sex in a hospital.. check
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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