then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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