life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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