Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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