Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize