I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
