I CAN MOONWALK!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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