Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
