Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
