The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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