one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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