Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
