i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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