Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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