to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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