shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
