i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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