38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
