i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
