after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
