Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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