I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
