Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I am one with the molecules
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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