Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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