I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm like, not good at living.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
