My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
