Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
