I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
