I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
