I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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