hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
