just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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